Enough not being enough!

Ask the Coach

By Marshall Brown, CPCC, President, Marshall Brown & Associates, Washington
published in AssociationTRENDS. reprinted with permission.

Q: I always am comparing myself to others. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not talented enough, not loving enough, not disciplined enough, not brave enough – any thoughts on how to get out of this trap?

A: If you’re caught in the “not enough” trap, nothing about you ever seems quite good enough. Standards by which you measure yourself become inhumane. Successes are rarely enjoyed, for you always feel as if you must do better. Perceived failures are magnified. Life becomes a quest for utter perfection – like the carrot dangling in front of a horse, it is chased but never truly experienced.

“If I’m 98% perfect in anything I do, it’s the 2% I’ve messed up I’ll remember when I’m through,” begins a little ditty. The problem starts when we allow others – family members, our spouse, friends, a boss, popular culture – to define who we are or are not. Unfortunately, these roots of self-image often stretch far back into childhood, when negative messages we received from parents and others imprinted us with a feeling of being stupid, fat, lazy, weak or otherwise inadequate.

But as adults, we can choose to truly accept ourselves – with all our strivings, quirks, faults and shortcomings (and gifts!) – as being enough right now. The more we do that, the less vulnerable we are to the opinions of others.

Go ahead, compare yourself

Perfection makes liberal use of comparisons. The next time you get that feeling of not being enough, stop to examine the standard you are using to gauge yourself.

A playful way to look at the power of comparisons is this: Compare your own physical measurements to those of a person who embodies ideal physical beauty by contemporary media standards. Dwell on the differences.

Then list all the achievements you’ve accomplished up to your current age. Be extra thorough. Now compare your list to that of composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart at age 12. By that time, Mozart spoke 15 languages and had composed numerous major pieces of music, including an opera. Dwell on the differences.

If you’re perfectly miserable at this point, your job is to notice how negative comparisons affect your available energy for work, family, relationships – and for yourself. How do they block the real you from showing up?

Here are some more questions to think about:

• How is it that if something is not perfect, then it is nothing?
• Is it possible to accept myself and treat myself in a loving and caring manner, regardless of my accomplishments or lack of them?
• Why must I be outstanding or special?
• Why does failing at something transform me into being a failure?
• What would my life be like with more humane standards?
• Can I be satisfied with progress, not perfection?

Life is a never-ending process of learning and growing in skills, experience, wisdom and compassion. Most of us are not spectacular in any category of life. And yet each one of us is worthy, lovable, competent, effective, attractive and smart enough to live lives of contribution, caring and value.

Marshall Brown, a certified career and executive coach has always had a passion for helping people find ways to live more fulfilling lives. As a coach, Brown helps individuals to find their passions and encourages them to move ahead in reaching their goals. His book, High Level Resumes, reflects his successful work with hundreds of job candidates. Reach him at marshall@mbrownassociates.com.

Ask the Coach addresses questions and concerns of assn professionals about their careers. Send your questions to marshall@mbrownassociates.com.

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